I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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