there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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