I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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