Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
