then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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