she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
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I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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