So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
please come you make the beer taste better
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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