He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
