Texts From Last Night

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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.

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  (248): Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup. http://tfl.nu/xbnm
  Replies (156) Good night (1371) Bad night (2690)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

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  (214): You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet. http://tfl.nu/ajf1
  Replies (23) Good night (7491) Bad night (1014)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M

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  (443): He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M http://tfl.nu/4y0g
  Replies (34) Good night (873) Bad night (10585)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.

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  (740): She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life. http://tfl.nu/9d1v
  Replies (11) Good night (827) Bad night (4924)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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  (780): The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height http://tfl.nu/mxot
  Replies (9) Good night (4749) Bad night (971)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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  (970): I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision. http://tfl.nu/ny2a
  Replies (11) Good night (2876) Bad night (1309)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

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  (443): Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere. http://tfl.nu/ui38
  Replies (20) Good night (1331) Bad night (3736)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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  (406): As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins. http://tfl.nu/zjez
  Replies (21) Good night (5408) Bad night (1150)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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  (773): He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection. http://tfl.nu/4afh
  Replies (18) Good night (4110) Bad night (1008)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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  (607): You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive. http://tfl.nu/27zg
  Replies (27) Good night (2788) Bad night (665)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are you alive?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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  (204): Are you alive? (1-204): I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all. http://tfl.nu/y639
  Replies (4) Good night (1542) Bad night (709)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

  (310): View more from California

  Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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  (310): Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures. (310): Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW. http://tfl.nu/xwjs
  Replies (12) Good night (2510) Bad night (1166)
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.

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  (858): Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010. http://tfl.nu/9ghc
  Replies (1) Good night (893) Bad night (501)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night

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  (512): Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night http://tfl.nu/ggi7
  Replies (1) Good night (299) Bad night (681)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.

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  (636): You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone. http://tfl.nu/14uf
  Replies (7) Good night (491) Bad night (313)

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