Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.