No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom