Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?