Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
