wanna go halves on a baby?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
