I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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