My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
