2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
