Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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