Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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