i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
