I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
