we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
