Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
