i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
