it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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