i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize