My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
