For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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