you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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