trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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