i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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