it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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