Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
