I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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