he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
please come you make the beer taste better
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
