Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
