I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
