you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Randomize
