Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
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You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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