i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
