He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
my liver is dry heaving
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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