help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
