I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
