i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
