watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
