i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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