On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All the doctor said was why
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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