my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
