If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
