U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
