I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
