The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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