it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
