Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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