Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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