this boner is exhausting
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
