It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
