just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
