I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
