my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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