I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
