im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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