did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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