I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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