I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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