Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
